Soliloquy of a haircut

I can't really explain the reasons behind my sudden decision to cut my hair. After all, I've always been known to love my hair fiercely - to defend it when others demanded that it be cut and to despise anything bad that ever happens to it; be it a badly cut fringe, or a strange person with a curling iron.

So what exactly inspired this decision to hack my hair off to half of its length?

Like I said, it's difficult to explain. I tell people it's because I want to grow it out healthier, or to buang suay. Or to try out a new hairstyle after many years of having almost the exact same one (give or take a cut fringe or two).

But somehow, every time I've said those reasons out loud to people, they've felt like lies. White lies. Or cover ups. And I think my lack of conviction showed, cause people began to question me more. Like they weren't satisfied with my answers and demanded better ones. Only I didn't have any.

It's just a haircut.

It's funny; to feel so strangely about a haircut, and to look into the reasons behind it with such tenacity.

Yeah, it is just a haircut. But I think to me, it is also an expression of my finally being able to accept myself as I am, to let go of all the security blankets that shielded me from truly loving myself. To let go of things that I thought made me "pretty" and be completely okay with it.

I used to think that I only looked pretty with long hair, because I had a chubby face and would look like crap with short hair that accentuated said chubby face. Whenever I had a bad hair day, I would feel like shit about myself, as if my hair was an extension of myself.

People would tell me "Oh, you have such nice hair! You should never cut it!" and I'd feel so proud of myself.

But what's the point of having "nice" hair just to show it off? To feel good on the outside but not on the inside? To the extent that when a bad hair day came upon me, I'd shun looking at myself in the mirror. When I did, I'd look away in disgust, and question myself as to why my hair wasn't as nice as the girls I was following (stalking) on Instagram. Like as if my self-worth depended on the state of my hair. PFFT

So, to put it nicely - cutting my hair is my way of telling myself and others out there, that it's okay to do things that may not be "socially acceptable". I've had people tell me I look chubby with short hair, I look funny with short hair, that I should've never cut my hair cause it was nice the way it is, that I'd regret cutting my hair, blah blah blah. But whatever. I did it cause I felt like doing it, and I'm perfectly okay with it, despite several moments of self-doubt.

I think what I needed most was to be able to do something I wanted, and be okay with the "consequences".